The Kamala Conundrum: How to solve the 2024 election
The 2024 presidential election is officially a “doozy”—a major change from last month when it was certified “snoozy.”
Not since tortoise vs. tortoise has a race promised less excitement, but suddenly, this election has everything: disgraceful debate performances, disgraceful assassination attempts, vaguely threatening whispers, Hulkamania, Kamalamania, mysterious animal carcasses, impenetrable coconut memes, Jill Stein…
And as the dust settles on one of the more tumultuous months in American history, it’s starting to seem like its most monumental moment was not the near-death of Donald Trump, but the slow death of Joe Biden’s presidency.
In the wake of the failed assassination and failed debate, Trump is unbowed and Biden has bowed out.
The Kamala Conundrum
The Democrats now face The Kamala Conundrum—which is, incidentally, also my favorite Robert Ludlum novel. After a swift Biden endorsement, she stands unopposed as the presumptive nominee for the party.
... or does she?
She does. These are the facts despite many calls on the left for an “open convention.” While nobody seems to agree on what an “open convention” actually is, everybody seems to agree on what an “open convention” actually means:
“Let’s maybe not nominate Kamala Harris?”
The people want a competition, not a coronation. This makes sense. We know a coronation is toxic because it has the word “corona” right there at the front of it. But also, a lack of serious competition in the primaries is how the Democrats got into this situation in the first place. (Apologies to Dean Phillips.) And even as the favorite, Harris would be a stronger national candidate if she emerged through a competitive nomination process.
She said she intends to “earn and win” the nomination, so the Democrats should let her earn it. Throw some hats in the ring. Throw some hacks in the ring. Let a thousand followers bloom.
Out Of Many, None
But you can’t make somebody run for president. There are no new challengers approaching.
And the only thing anybody wants to talk about is unity. But therein lies the solution: there are many ways to unite.
For instance, Donald Trump brings unity through a common misunderstanding of what the word “unity” means.
Aaron Sorkin recently floated the idea that Democrats should unite the country against Trump by nominating former Republican Senator and early Boston Dynamics prototype Mitt Romey as the Democratic candidate. Talk about ordering the code red.
But Romney is a known quantity. In fact, in America the Romney name has become synonymous with two things: the practice of ironing your clothes while they’re still on your body...
...and the fabled unity ticket.
Romney-Biden. Romney-Manchin. Romney-Cruz. Even, Romney-Oprah.
I think Mr. Sorkin might be onto something. “ROMNEY enters.” It has all of the flair, stakes, and tension you’d expect from a drama writer.
But I’ll do him one better.
Lofty story arcs of sacrifice and liberal idealism may have been good enough to move the needle on Wednesdays 9/8c only on NBC, but they’re not enough to move today’s electorate.
The modern voter exists primarily on the internet. If you want to appeal to the internet, you must speak the language of the internet, which is dripping in comedic irony.
That is why the only real way to shake up this election is to call on Al Franken to reanimate his political career with a Green Party unity ticket: Franken-Stein 2024.
After all, everybody already has their pitchforks and torches handy. ⚑
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