Crown & Country
The most dangerous consequence of a political coronation may be a tedious news cycle.
They say, “Democrats fall in love and Republicans fall in line”—and by “they,” I mean “people who want you to know that they know a thing or two about politics.”
But be wary if you hear someone trot out that truism this fall, because to my keen eye for politics, this is no normal election season. No, this is Freaky Friday 2: Election Boogaloo.
In 2024, it is the Republicans who are infatuated, doe-eyed, and weepy as they stand in the presence of their leader. They're writing love songs. They're wearing matching outfits. They’ve fallen head over heel.
The Democrats, on the other hand, have unanimously lined up behind their presumptive nominee, Kamala Harris—single file, no talking. They’re on edge and on message. It’s an awful lot of conformity for a party made up of non-conformists. The mood has shifted from “hope” to “obey.”
Harris’s nomination has even been called a “coronation,” which is a loaded word in America (née The Colonies).
Some say a coronation betrays Democrats’ values. Some say it defies the will of the voters. Some even say it risks apocalypse!
Now, I know an apocalypse sounds pretty bad, but that’s only because nobody has mentioned the most dangerous consequence of a coronation: an extremely tedious news cycle.
The Royal We
Once Kamala is officially “coronated,” people on the right will start likening her to a queen.
Naturally, those cheeky jokers on the left will retaliate by flooding the zone with “yas queen” memes.
Then someone will write a piece arguing that Democrats actually have an unhealthy obsession with royalty.
Someone will notice that the Statue of Liberty wears a crown.
Someone will make a joke at the expense of the French.
Then someone will point out that saying “yas queen” is problematic because it’s an appropriation of LGBT culture.
Elon Musk will laugh at this and then retweet an inarticulate meme indicating that the concepts of America and Royalty are mutually exclusive.
Someone will assert that royalty already exists in America and that they’re called ultrarich billionaires and that he is one of them.
By now Trump will have jumped on the “royal” bandwagon and, in keeping with the storied GOP tradition of not understanding song lyrics, he will start playing “Royals” by Lorde at his rallies.
Lorde will object via written statement by sharing a screenshot of an Apple Notes file from her phone on her Instagram stories.
It will have no effect.
Trump will start calling Kamala Harris “Queen Kamala” and he’ll notice that if she was Queen, then her husband would be King and that “King Doug is not very kingly, I have to tell you. That name is a total disaster and everyone agrees.”
But another one of those quipsters on the left will point out that Trump has forgotten about Doug Heffernan: The King of Queens.
We’ll all have a decent laugh.
And then, in a series of think pieces, people on both sides will devote serious time out of their lives debating whether the fictional character of Doug Heffernan would be a Harris or Trump voter in 2024.
And before you know it, the right will earnestly claim that the left wants to “reestablish the monarchy” and “that's not why we watered the liberty tree with all that patriot blood” or whatever.
The left will say, “That’s ironic coming from the party that wants to establish an authoritarian God Emperor as the head of state.”
And then they’ll be forced to follow up with the fact that, in this election:
Only one candidate claimed he had absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for his actions as President.
Only one candidate called it a “Brilliantly Written and Historic Decision” when the Supreme Court granted that immunity and elevated the status of the President to that of a “king above the law.”
Only one candidate demands loyalty of his subjects.
Only one candidate has his followers kiss the ring when he holds court and bend the knee when he’s in court.
Only one candidate has a penchant for lavish parades.
Only one candidate insists on being surrounded by gold furnishings.
Only one candidate summons a beverage with the wave of a finger.
And that candidate is decidedly not Kamala Harris.
Oh, and Meghan Markle will get roped into this at some point, too, but nobody will be very interested. ⚑
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